Why yes, it is quite hot out, isn’t it? If you absolutely must open hydrants (thereby endangering the neighborhood by lowering water pressure when it might be needed to put out fires (or take showers for that matter), and basically treating clean water like it’s an infinite gift from the ass of baby Jesus and not a precious resource that must be cleaned and treated before it can be used again and therefore ought to be conserved), why the fuck can’t you share hydrants? Two on one block and one on each of the surrounding 3 blocks, flooding the streets. This always used to upset me when they showed clips of kids running through hydrant spray on Sesame Street and let me tell you, it’s far more upsetting to see it in person.

There are so many 311 calls about open hydrants that there is a special 311 Open Hydrant Complaint subset which directs callers to a 311 purgatory of waiting for an operator. I waited 11 minutes then gave up.

These people are not even using the hydrant caps that make a controlled spray, just completely removing the caps so the water gushes directly into the street. And then are unwilling/unable to close them again. YOU ARE IGNORANT AND WASTEFUL. I wish you lived in one of those countries where women have to walk for 3 hours to a water source and then lug 40 lbs of water back to their homes EVERY DAY.

Love,
Cari

Giving people access to safe, potable water.

This stuff is great. It doesn’t smell heavily of pesticide (or really of anything) so you can spray the shit out of your mattress and linens and not have to leave the room. If you know anything about bedbugs, you know they are ridiculously difficult to get rid of once you have an infestation. Like, way worse than fleas. Like people have to throw their furniture away.

For more info: bedbugs on Wikipedia, bedbugs in New York and bedbugs at Fox News (ha ha!).

My mom was diagnosed last year with osteopenia which has inspired me to start taking calcium supplements because white and asian women are most susceptible to it. It’s not full-blown osteoporosis, but it’s not good news. What’s especially upsetting to her is that she’s spent the past 30 years exercising every morning, eating right and not smoking. It’s like that birthday card, “Eat Right. Exercise. Die Anyway.” Obviously, there are quality of life benefits that outweigh any inevitable problems, especially complications associated with aging, but still.

Apparently, there are medicines out on the market to combat loss of bone mineral density that are not proven to fully rectify the problem and can actually make it worse if you stop taking it. So if you start taking it and don’t realize this, you basically are committed to taking something for life whether you want to or not. This is something that Sally Field neglected to mention in that ad for Boniva where she’s frolicking with her dog.

Once again, I can’t help but think of all the R&D that has gone into medications for Erectile Dysfunction and feel angry all over again.

The bottom line is, people (especially women) need to try to get as much calcium as possible into their bodies now. Your bone mineral density peaks at 30 years-old and after that it starts to get reabsorbed by your body.

Oh, and you should also have an IRA (pre-tax), ROTH IRA (post-tax) or 401K started by at least 24 years-old because Social Security won’t be there by the time we want to retire. Just start squirreling away a little bit here and there now, and as you age, increase your contributions.

I don’t know why I’m so anxious about everyone this morning. I just want the people I care about to stay healthy and happy.

I refer, of course, to my ongoing dental woes. And woes they are. Lamentable, tragic and never ending. This Winter, if you see one movie, make it this one: the epic story of one woman’s journey into night (though there will be a dearth of wailing and gnashings of teeth as my bones can’t handle the strain).

The periodontist told me that my gums are actually relatively healthy, but because I’m missing a crown that I can ill afford and an implant that I can also ill afford (and may not be able to acquire), my front teeth have been overly stressed and are…not wobbly, but not as…steadfast as a young person’s teeth ought to be. In addition, my Eastern European dentist has been alarmed by the innate shortness of my roots for quite some time.

Apparently, due to a perfect storm of circumstances, genes and neglect, I have suffered quite a lot of bone loss around the roots of my teeth and I need some kind of buttressing type surgery, the name of which I cannot recall and I seem to have misplaced the business card where I had him write down the name of it so I could Google it once I got home.

There is a weakened area near where they removed the titanium screws last year (which is why I might not be able to get the implant, even if I had two grand lying around waiting to be handed to an eager periodontist. Which I don’t. Did I mention that?).

Perhaps I should put my various ailments on eBay and philanthropists can choose to fund whichever dental procedure tickles their fancy. I imagine the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation would spring for the unnamed oral surgery because titanium screws in your skull seem pretty futuristic and techie. Each month they would receive x-rays of my mouth, the way those Christian Children’s Fund people on TV send you a picture of little !kung-a, eating the Pop Tarts your monthly support provided for him and his entire village. Plus, he had enough money left over to purchase his very own shoe.

Bill and Melinda, you have the power to make her life better. If you cannot find it within your hearts to help a poor Credits Typist in New York City get the oral surgery she so desperately needs, she may no longer have enough teeth to eat her Pop Tarts and will be forced to subsist on cocktails (to numb the pain) and that all-liquid Hollywood Diet that celebs use prior to photo ops but once they begin to eat solids, they gain all the weight back. Liquid diets wreak havoc on a person’s metabolism. They are unhealthy and ineffective. Just look at Oprah!

For only $100 a day for one month, you could make all the difference in a Cari’s precious life. Please, call the toll-free number on the bottom of your screen today. Operators are standing by. The first ten callers will also receive this stylish tote bag as our gift to you!

You can also visit us on the World Wide Web at www.carineedssomekindoforalsurgerybutcannotrememberthenameof
itrightnowthoughitisacompletelylegitimateprocedureandthisisacompletelylegitimatecharity.com.

Won’t you help keep her future smiles bright?

I’d love to think America is on a path to better, more health conscious habits, but let’s get real. Just because Whole Foods is doing business like gang busters doesn’t mean we don’t all eat the shit out of MacDonalds. Or better yet, do you wanna super-size that Jamba Juice? There’s a way to turn something healthy into…um….not so much. Americans in general have terrible dietary habits, and make incredibly poor decisions about what they put in their bodies everyday. But these are our decisions to make. My instinct might put me on the forefront of banning obesity so we stop the skyrocketing cost of healthcare in America. There are way more fat people than there are smokers, so isn’t that a worse problem than public smoking? Maybe it is, but in both cases, we’re talking about public enforcement of private activity on a scale and scope much larger than anything in my lifetime, and it’s starting to freak me out. After 9/11 we’re giving up civil liberties so fast it’s gonna take us years to figure out how deep in the hole we’ve dug down. This is a slippery slope situation, plain and simple.

Don’t get me wrong: I think everyone should quit smoking, and I’m quite happy that I have the right to tell them not to smoke near me while I’m eating my breakfast burrito on the lanai. But still, you’ve gotta put this stuff in context, and lately, the context is a dark, dark place.