2) If you have a song running through your head and you don’t remember any lyrics, you should be able to hum what you know into a Google Microphone and it will find possible song contenders based on your humming. It should allow for tone deafness and off-key warblers, sort of like a golf handicap.

3) If you are thinking about making a movie and you are concerned that you are copying someone else’s style/camera angle there should be a way to search a cinema database for previous work. For example, I am thinking about this certain effect with the camera but it would suck if it’s been done before. I won’t describe it in greater detail here because I know too many filmmakers and they are just waiting to pilfer from me.

4) You should be able to Google tastes and smells. I cannot even begin to imagine how this would be possible.

All of these societal problems must have a basis — there must be a reason. Without the Cold War to blame, there has to be another target, and finally, in this so called “Information Age,” there comes the Internet. The Internet is the perfect target for politicos seeking a greater market acceptance. There’s always been too much freedom on the Internet, but until recently, it was so difficult to take advantage of that freedom that no one did. But that’s how the computer literate wanted it. They wanted something all their own, a place where government regulation meant nothing, and freedom of speech could truly be exercised. What happened? Well, someone figured out one day that there were enough people on the Internet to constitute a viable market, so they went down to the basement of their corporate shrine and convinced those “geeks” in the mail room to figure out a way to turn a profit — to get someone’s attention. Now, those “geeks” aren’t in the mail room, they’ve moved upstairs and become one with the corporate machine. Now there aren’t even geeks anymore. Everyone has figured out the Internet, and with its massive marketability, it has attracted the attention of the politicos sitting in their padded leather chairs eating corn chips, getting bored, and looking for something to regulate.

Lawmakers are like everyone else in one respect: When we have something we really need to do, we end up cleaning the house to put off whatever daunting task smacks us in the face that day. Lawmakers, faced with the ridiculous Reagan era debt, are looking for something to distract them from having to come up with any real ideas about how we can get rid of that debt and turn the country around. They need something to distract them from the ugly, shit-stained slums, the senseless poverty, the spread of AIDS, and the thought of having to explain to their own children what they’ve been up to in all these years of public service. Hence, we have the Internet.

There’s so much information out here and it’s just so easy to get, the folks on Capitol Hill decided nothing should be that easy. It takes too little time to go out and find instructions on how to build a bomb like the one used in the Oklahoma City tragedy. But instead of looking at the real problem, i.e. “What kind of society creates a person who could mercilessly destroy like that?”, we’ve got lawmakers who want to get rid of the symptoms and ignore the problem. “Take the knife away, and Johnny will never cut himself.” Right? Wrong. Everyone knows that. The lawmakers think pornography on the Internet is ruining children, so it has to go too. Is everyone forgetting what it was like ten or twenty years ago? I didn’t have the Internet when I was a kid, but if I wanted to jerk off I would doubtless find something lying around. Kids are smart. If they want something, they can get it. It’s not up to lawmakers to make sure they don’t, it’s up to parents to make sure their children know the difference between right and wrong. A child who’s been taught this lesson will glaze right over the instructions to a bomb, and will think nothing more of any pornography they find on their computer than they do of magazines they find in Dad’s sock drawer.

I just wish these people would wake up and smell their Metimucile. I’d rather see mandatory written tests for potential parents than any of this shit. Licensing parents would at least give us a little more confidence that we are raising a strong and good generation of children. The kind of censorship inherent in the Telecom Act is doing no one but the politicians any good, because they’ve made a few paranoid blue hairs a little more confident in the safety of their grandchildren. The backlash I mentioned earlier will certainly occur. These technically minded people will abandon the Internet and create something else that no one understands. They’ll do this so they can communicate freely with their friends in the former Soviet Union who are also pissed off that the Cold War ever ended. They’re all pissed off because without a war, everyone pays a lot more attention to what the smart people are up to, and if there’s a couple more votes in it for the politicians, they’ll bear down and regulate it.