It was AD 33 and a Sunday, as it would happen, when a true miracle occurred. Jesus, the son of God and the King of Kings, etc., came back to life and emerged from the crypt where he had been buried only three days before. Outside the crypt, he came upon a human sized bunny rabbit crying somberly on a nearby rock. Noticing the rabbit’s tears, Jesus went unto him and said:
“Hello Mr. Rabbit. I am Jesus Christ. Son of God and King of Kings, etc. Why, may I ask, are you crying?”
Sobbing, the rabbit said, “Nice to meet you Mr. Jesus. I’m crying because I was on my way to a party and I lost all of my colorful eggs. I just don’t know what to do!”
“There, there,” said Jesus to the rabbit. “Perhaps I can help you find your eggs and then you can be on your way to the party.”
“Oh! That would be so grand,” said the rabbit. “How lucky I am that you should have come upon me out here in the middle of nowhere when we’re pretty much just surrounded by crypts full of dead people and whatnot.”
Laughing, Jesus said, “Well, well. You are lucky indeed. For lo, I was only moments ago reborn after being pretty brutally crucified on Friday. So it’s some pretty good luck for both of us, because now you can be the first witness to the miracle of my resurrection.”
“Wow, Jesus,” said the rabbit. “That IS miraculous. I’ve never actually heard of people really being reborn like that. I always just thought it was some sort of metaphor. Or is that a simile?”
“No, that’s a metaphor,” said Jesus with a chuckle. “But no, in this case, it’s the God’s-honest-truth, pun intended. I don’t know if you’re aware, but my Father, God, happened to single-handedly create the entire universe almost four thousand years ago. In addition to the many other magical powers imbued to me by Him, I’ve pretty much mastered the art of dying and coming back to life. Honestly, sometimes being flashy is the only way to get my message to stick with these people. ”
“Oh, you don’t have to tell me about that Mr. Jesus,” the rabbit said, nodding. “Imagine walking around as a human-sized rabbit. Honestly, I get picked on SO much! Seriously, the level of intolerance is shocking.”
“Worry not, my bunny friend,” said Jesus somberly. “I’m going to do something about all the intolerance. My thought is that if everyone worships me as the one true God, then all the violence and intolerance will become a thing of the past. Then, I shall reward all these good people by bringing them up to Heaven in a little something I like to call ‘The Rapture’. Those who failed to understand my greatness shall, of course, be left behind to burn in a fiery pit of hell-on-Earth for a thousand years.”
“Hmmm. Yeah, I guess that could work,” said the rabbit. “OR, you could just tell people that they should be nice to each other, and instead of worshipping a God, they should just try to understand everyone’s perspective and work together to make the world a better place. Although, I realize that does sorta skip the whole hellfire part.”
“Yeah. I was gonna mention that,” said Jesus. “The hellfire is really my favorite part. It’s kind of the good part of the whole shebang.”
“Yeah, I guess it’s pretty, uh, dramatic,” said the bunny rabbit appraising Jesus with a newfound awkwardness and looking as if maybe he’d like to get away from Him as soon as possible.
“Yes. Thank you. I’m rather fond of it,” said Jesus. “Now, shall we find your eggs?”
“Um. Right. Yes. My eggs,” said the rabbit. “Actually, that’s okay. I think maybe I can just retrace my steps and I’ll probably find them right in plain view.”
“Of course,” said Jesus, the Son of God and King of Kings, etc. “Like when you lose your car keys.”
“Well. Sorta, I suppose,” said the rabbit. “Although I’m a rabbit, so I don’t drive. And also, I don’t think anyone else drives yet since cars have yet to be invented.”
“Of course,” said Jesus in a slightly condescending tone. “I tend to forget that not everyone can magically see into the future like me. But anyway, I digress! I must be on my way so I can tell people of my miraculous rebirth, but before I go, I want to tell you that hereafter, people will call this day Easter. They will celebrate the day in my name! And you, from now on, will forever be known as The Easter Bunny! Your legend will grow as generations upon generations of giddy children help to find the colored eggs that you are herein forever doomed to continue losing.”
“Um. Thanks?” said the Easter Bunny. “That’s real nice of you to make me a buffoon for all time. You’re a real standup guy.”
“Thank you!” said Jesus, oblivious to the rabbit’s tone. “And now, I will leave you, and hope that hell on earth is kind to you and your children’s children since, obviously, only humans shall be able to participate in The Rapture.”
“Right. Of course.” said the Easter Bunny. “I really should have guessed that.”
“Goodbye Easter Bunny!” exclaimed Jesus.
As Jesus skipped away to spread the good news of his highly improbable rebirth, the Easter Bunny shook his head and turned to retrace his steps down the path from which he came.
“Yeah. Goodbye yourself,” muttered the Easter Bunny as he went. “I’m sure none of that will backfire on you.”
(Originally published on [painkiller.org] in March of 2008)
I’m not going to tell people that their vote on Prop 8 was wrong or right. I’m just going to point out a couple of parallels in history that today are universally understood to be very dark times for civil rights in the US, but at the time were seen as justified just as Prop 8 may seem to some people now.
My hope is that people will look beyond their personal agendas, justified as they may seem, and see the bigger picture.
First up, denying marriage for one segment of the population:
In 1913, 30 states enforced laws banning marriage between whites and non-whites. In 1924, Virginia joined them when its legislature made marriage between white persons and non-white persons a felony. These laws remained in effect until 1967, when the US Supreme Court found them to be contrary to the guarantees of the US Constitution.
In 2007, 26 states had constitutional amendments explicitly barring the recognition of same-sex marriage, 18 of them prohibited the legal recognition of ANY same-sex union, and 19 more had legislation narrowly defining marriage to exclude same-sex partners. On Nov. 4th 2008, California, Florida, and Arizona joined the list, bring the total to 48.
Further back in history, another uncanny parallel:
Prior to 1835, the Supreme Court of North Carolina upheld the constitutional right of free men of color to vote; in response, the people voted in an amendment to the North Carolina Constitution removing this right by a majority of 55%.
On May 15, 2008, the Supreme Court of California overturned an unconstitutional ban of same-sex marriage; in response, the people voted in an amendment to the California Constitution removing this right by a majority vote of 52%.
It took until 1870 (a generation later) for government endorsed discrimination to be overturned by the 15th amendment, and another century before equal rights for all were guaranteed by law. Those ideals are once again under attack, the Constitution that once protected all Californians from discrimination and granted all people the same rights has been rewritten to single out one group of people for discrimination.
In both historical instances mentioned above, the justifications seemed reasonable to the majority at the time but are now universally seen as wrong.
Will America find a way to embrace equality once and for all, or must we leave it to future generations to prove us wrong once again? Will our children look at what this generation of voters has done in the name of tradition and hang their heads in shame?
Regardless of your religious beliefs or your personal feelings about your fellow Americans, equality is equality, is equality. Protect equal rights under the law in ALL THINGS for ALL PEOPLE.
You can help make a difference, do a little research and make your own choices:
So as of this writing, the first few gay couples in Los Angeles and San Francisco are counting down the last butterflies-in-the-stomach minutes before they officially tie the knot and start rocking out some marital bliss.
But before the moment of truth, I wanted to go on record with a preemptive ”I told you so” before the sun rises tomorrow and we find ourselves living in a new kind of hell on earth, flush with fire, brimstone, and probably a few folks who have fallen down the slippery slope and opted to marry their house pet instead of a human (thanks for the warning Rick Santorum!).
Of course, if none of that happens tomorrow, then I guess I’ll have some egg on my face. Like if it turns out to be just another day wherein people go to work, bitch about gas prices and the war, then go home with some take-out chinese food to watch a marathon of The Deadliest Catch, then I suppose we’ll all look pretty stupid for complaining so much about gay marriage.
But really, come on. Let’s be realistic. It’s obviously gonna be the fire and brimstone option I’m sure. We’re totally overdue for some of that stuff. Seriously. How could it not end in a hell on earth with all the damnation and the whatnot?
So while Richard Dawkins has done an excellent and admirable job of deflecting the oft-cited argument that Albert Einstein was a religious man, it seems we’re now fortunate enough to hear from the man himself more clearly than ever. In news straight from The Guardian UK, it seems a letter penned by Einstein in 1954 states quite definitively that he believed faith in God to be a “childish superstition”.
As Dawkins would also remind us, this is not a revelation since Einstein made any number of public statements which should have made it abundantly clear that he did not believe in any sort of “God”. Still, perhaps all the hubbub over this letter is worthwhile since it seems to leave absolutely no doubt as to his convictions on the subject.
Now if only we could convince Francis Collins to read a little bit more Einstein, perhaps he’d be swayed by a fellow man of science.
“I’m feeling a little nostalgic for a time when we didn’t yet know how shitty things were going to be….”
This aired a month before the Iraq war began. I know this is old news, but I’m feeling a little nostalgic for a time when we didn’t yet know how shitty things were going to be, when we could only guess at it.
The language Brian Kilmeade uses perfectly sums up typical right wing belligerence; this kind of verbal obfuscation and unmitigated arrogance has stymied this country for eight years and contributed to a national inability to hold a meaningful dialogue with someone with an opposing viewpoint. Please note his insistence on the missing Weapons of Mass Destruction.
Highlights from “Real TIme with Bill Maher” Okay, we’ve got Janeane Garofalo, Salman Rushdie…and Rob Thomas?!?!
Lastly, the sound is out of sync on this but Maher makes some excellent points about organized religion so I’m going to post it anyway. For the record, Maher has always struck me as awfully smarmy and arrogant and I really hate those qualities in people; though it seems in this day and age that arrogance is now needed simply to stand one’s ground:
Evangelicals point to mutualism and say, See, proof of Intelligent Design. And it truly is a marvelous, even miraculous, thing.
But I firmly believe that things like mutualism is proof of evolution, that these beneficial associations exist because they have enabled these species to survive. Without the perpetuation of the species, there are no beneficial associations.
We can point to the shrimp and the goby as a success story, but if we look at the innumerable species of animals who exist or have existed, we see many, many failures. Unintelligent Design, if you will.
As with people, history is written by the winners.
Thanks to the “diligent” work of “scientists” intent on ruining all of our best yarns, now it turns out that, in fact, it’s most probable that Moses was high on powerful psychotropic drugs when he scaled Mount Sinai and “heard God” deliver the Ten Commandments. According to these “scientists”, this use of mind-altering substances was an integral part of many religious rites performed by the Israelites at the time. Of note, this particular scientist has also taken some of these drugs himself.
Citizens, I just wanted to bring to everyone’s attention a very serious issue affecting millions of people in the United States today: clusters of mute Christian clowns are going into nursing homes and molesting our old people.
Over at richarddawkins.net you can find an engrossing two hour conversation between the great minds of the secular movement: Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, Daniel Dennett, and Christopher Hitchens. What is particularly fascinating is how little they preach to the choir, instead spending their time dissecting many of the reactions they have encountered while speaking throughout the world. It is incredibly heartening to know that these four men are leading the charge to crack open our dialogue about religion. It is our hope that this dialogue will eventually find a way to stem the tide of pernicious violence and hatred that are part and parcel of religious dogma throughout the world.
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It was AD 33 and a Sunday, as it would happen, when a true miracle occurred. Jesus, the son of God and the King of Kings, etc., came back to life and emerged from the crypt where he had been buried only three days before. Outside the crypt, he came upon a human sized bunny rabbit crying somberly on a nearby rock. Noticing the rabbit’s tears, Jesus went unto him and said:
“Oh, you don’t have to tell me about that Mr. Jesus,” the rabbit said, nodding. “Imagine walking around as a human-sized rabbit. Honestly, I get picked on SO much! Seriously, the level of intolerance is shocking.”
