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Is This Seat Taken?

“Stephen Merritt was obviously high or was just his usual high-seeming, random self.”

Stephen Merritt (far right) telling you that someday your dog or cat will die. I could see the band much better than my crappy cell phone lens could.

I bought two tickets in August to see Magnetic Fields play at Landmark Loew’s Theatre in New Jersey on Thursday, October 23rd. Landmark Loew’s is a gorgeous, cathedral-like movie theatre across the street from the PATH Journal Square Station. Then, the day of the show, the person with whom I was going fell ill. Literally fell. Unconscious. On the subway. (He’s okay now.)

I posted an ad on CL, FB, MySpace and sent emails asking if anyone wanted to buy my extra ticket. No cigar. Then I thought maybe I could sell the ticket at the show. Yes, it was me and eight other people out front trying to offload tickets, including a surprisingly bitter scalper. Part of the problem: Jersey. Other part of the problem: assigned seating. Result: show not sold out. Due to recent good luck with opening bands, I have been trying to go to shows on-time, so ten to 8 I went inside, ticket unsold.

The show was awesome. Stephen Merritt was obviously high or was just his usual high-seeming, random self. No, he was undeniably high after the intermission. He and Claudia had this odd banter like he was a crotchety, old man merry prankster and she was his exasperated, long-time companion, half humoring him, half laughing with him, half wanting him to shut it. Wait, that’s too many halves. She sang a lot of the songs he sang on the albums. But he sang, too. The vibe of the show was very low-key. I overheard a woman outside saying that she almost fell asleep at one part, but really they had just played some really delicately beautiful songs. You sometimes forget, with the funny lyrics and romping music, how gorgeous and deeply sad his songs can be.

It happened that there were two empty seats next to me, the seat for which I had the ticket and the one next to it. On my right was a very nice lady and her fellow. So, I piled my scarf, hoodie, coat and purse onto the seat next to me, and ended up sitting half yoga style with my left knee on the empty seat and leaning on the armrest.

At some point during the intermission, a woman behind me asked if anyone was sitting next to me, and because in times of inattention I can be oddly literal and oddly honest, I said, “No.” thinking they wanted to put their coats on the seats or on the backs of the seats, which one of them had already done and it was quite fine with me. However, I overheard her excitedly telling her friends on her cell phone that there were seats open in front of her and they should come on down.

Okay, here’s the thing. I do not want to be a selfish bitch. Nor do I want to cause trouble. But it is one thing to be made slightly uncomfortable by people sitting next to you in close proximity, such as in a movie theatre. It is quite another to pay $42 for the privilege. I did not want to stuff my purse under my seat, nor hold my coat, hoodie and scarf on my lap, nor sit on them. I did not want have to sit pressed between two other people. The way I saw it was, I had paid extra so my purse, coat, scarf, hoodie, left knee and left elbow would have a nice place to sit. I would like to think, too, that the woman to my right was more comfortable due to me leaning on my armrest and leaving the other for her exclusive use.

So, I turned around and told the woman that actually, I had paid for this seat, so only the other seat was free. She had this frozen smile on her face and I overheard her saying on her cell phone that she guessed she was mistaken because the seats were not open. Then after the show started again, I heard a lot of whispering, which may or may not have been related to me. But really, I had paid an extra $42 so I should be comfortable. Right?

Was I wrong? Am I a total bitch? My elbow and knee do not think so. I am inclined to agree with them.

[ Topic Neuroses, Pop Culture, Ridiculosity | 1 Comment ]

Totally Might as Well Be a Racist

As Bad as Nana 

[ Topic Diversity, Politics, Politics, Etc., Ridiculosity, Society | No Comments ]

Vote NO on Prop 8

Two things have NOT happened since gay people started getting married in California back in June of this year: 

1) The apocalypse has NOT occurred, despite what your friends working on Wall Street might have told you.
2) People have gotten exactly 0% smarter. Or to put it another way, while all people are probably getting stupider each day, there are other people actively working to hurry the process along.

The result of the above pair of incontrovertible facts is Proposition 8. This is the latest endeavor by mostly out-of-state interests to codify discrimination under the California Constitution. They offer no apologies, no arguments of any believable substance, nor do they really try to disguise their Proposition as anything more than what it really is: An effort to deny constitutional rights and freedoms to a specific sub-section of our populace simply because supporters of Prop 8 woke up one day feeling like fucking assholes. 

Oh shit. Excuse me. Pardon the expletive. It just slipped out. I totally did not mean to brand my fellow Californians (and also the Floridian and Utah Mormon financial backers) as total assholes. And yet…um…yeah…I sorta did. Don’t Mormon’s have enough damned discrimination to worry about? And after 8 years of Bush, frankly I think it’s time we took a long, hard look at why we’re listening to people from Florida at all anymore.

Proposition 8 is indefensible. If you’re not against it, please try to drag yourself aboard the train headed towards modernity where we all try to treat eachother with some basic human respect and don’t waste our time trying to Constitutionally discriminate against people just because they’re different. I have this feeling that it won’t even take you a trip to Wikipedia to refresh your memory as to why this is a shitty idea.

On November 4th, Vote NO on Prop 8. Don’t be a douche.

3rd Grade Gay 

Gay Speakeasies 

[ Topic Diversity, Politics, Politics, Etc., Ridiculosity, Society | 2 Comments ]

My Epic Power Struggle With A Security Guard at BAM

As many of you know, I am working as an Usher at BAM (Brooklyn Academy of Music) evenings and weekends. I needed to get a BAM employee ID card because, besides allowing me entrance to my place of sometimes work, the ID gets me (+1) into free movies at BAM Rose Cinemas, Film Forum, Walter Reade and Anthology Film Archive.

As instructed during my orientation, I called Stage Door and told them I was a new hire and needed an ID card. The man told me to come down. So I took the train from Times Square to the BAM/Stage Door office in Brooklyn, which is a 30 minute ride. When I walk in the door, I tell the employee at the front desk that I am here to get a BAM ID. He says, verbatim, “Well, you can’t get one. I can’t do that, I have all these boxes that need to be addressed.” [He did indeed have a lot of boxes.]

For two seconds, I struggle to not be bitchy about this. So, I explain that I had been told to come down and politely left out the part about how his boxes and how many he had and what he was supposed to do with them were none of my concern. He demands to know who I had spoken to, because no one there would say to just come down and get an ID. Normally I get a person’s name when I speak to them on the phone for questions just like this, but alas I had not done so this time. 

Apparently, there is another employee who has recently gone on lunch break, for whom this agreeable fellow is covering. When I ask what time the other person was returning, he promptly tells me that he was going on lunch break when the other returns, so I cannot get an ID then either. As I recall, he did not even bother to fabricate a reason why the other person could not do the ID either. Perhaps he cannot think clearly on an empty stomach.

We proceed to argue for about five minutes about why someone would tell me to come to the office when obviously making an ID card was utterly impossible. Usually, I do my utmost to avoid these kinds of arguments because they are pointless and extremely irritating, but this charming man is really intent on scrapping with me.

Then we argue another two minutes because I accidentally insinuate that he is denying that anyone had said such a thing in the first place. I quickly clarify, but he is off like a talkative rocket. I have noticed that when arguing with people who are none too bright, they often latch onto some point you have already conceded because for some reason they feel they are on steadier footing there. By ‘none too bright’ I mean anyone who thinks one less than solid point in a long discussion negates all that came before it.

Really frustrated now, I call on my cell phone the number I had previously dialed. The phone on the desk in front of me rings. Scrappy McGee over here answers, not realizing it is me. Obviously then, the lunching employee had told me to come down. Then, I start to call the Assistant Theatre Manager but as I am dialing, Scrappy relents and tells me to come back at 2 PM. That means I have 20 minutes to kill but I am not going to have wasted my lunch hour and I am not coming down again.

At 1:50 PM, I enter the office, and a managerial type man is at the front desk. He is quite cordial and when I tell him what I need, he says immediately, “Oh, yes, he [indicating Scrappy] can help you with that.” What a pleasant exchange! Suit Guy finished whatever he was saying to Scrappy and left….around 1:55 PM. It did cross my mind that had I come at 2 PM as directed, I would have not had that nice Suit Guy’s assistance. Hmmmm.

Long story, less long, the photograph on my new BAM Employee ID card:

a) Is blurry
b) Looks like I have a white mustache. This has been independently verified by several people.
c) Has two fingerprints over my face.

But you know what? Free movies, bitches!

Victory = Cari

[ Topic Ridiculosity | 1 Comment ]

Also, Jonathan Coulton Was Very Funny

Singing about the future and bionic eyes

Jonathan Coulton, a singer/songwriter with funny songs, “opened’ because The Hodg was late due to the taping and he also performed during the reading.

[ Topic Pop Culture, Ridiculosity | No Comments ]

The Book of Regrets

“This dick in front of me…accused JH of making him miss his dinner.”

The Hodg reads from his new book, More Information Than You Require

10:35pm Paul
somebody got contacts today
and that somebody is me
haircut tomorrow
i’ll be like a new man

10:36pm Cari
Woo!
Sexy time for the Paul!
How short are you going or what style?

10:36pm Paul
pretty short
but it’ll just look like when i got here

10:36pm Cari
I think I’m an alcoholic because this week, I feel like I really need alcohol.
Like if I don’t get some at night I want to curl up into a ball and cease myself.
Also, the cigs don’t help.
I never saw you when you got here.
I met John Hodgman tonight.

10:37pm Paul
[snipped]
oh nice

10:38pm Cari
I couldn’t afford his book but now I think I should have made him sign my address book or something.

Then it turns out my friend, with whom I did not stand in line, totally is like his drinking buddy and they all chatted for like 15 minutes.

Now I’m thinking I should have gone back up there and partaken.
Tonight has been very regretful for me…i.e. full of regrets.

I just feel all outside of everything.
And a black hole of what not to do.
Sorry to vent.

10:40pm Paul
s’okay

10:40pm Cari
It’s like we met for a nice chat and I just vomited my angst all over your nice new xmas sweater.

10:40pm Paul
i never liked this sweater
even though it’s new

10:40pm Cari
Well, you can still give it to a homeless person.
He or she won’t mind.
Might not even notice.
Now it’s like I vomited all over the homeless.

10:42pm Paul
way to go, cari
it’s not a big deal
it’s just john hodgeman
you’ll meet better celebrities than that
[snipped]

10:45pm Cari
[snipped]
it’s not the celebrity, it’s that he’s really funny, and nice and I like him.
And I have nothing funny or original to offer spur of the moment.
If I could write him an email, maybe something would surprise me.
But you can’t send emails at book signings.

10:49pm Paul
right
most people don’t do well in those situations
so don’t beat yourself up

10:50pm Cari
I just don’t want to be one of those assholes who asks what their favorite cereal is.
Or this dick in front of me who accused JH of making him miss his dinner.
And JH was pretty gracious all things considered, and said he’d come from a taping (The Daily Show) so he hadn’t eaten dinner either, and did that guy want to stay and sign all these people’s books so JH could go eat a steak?
Hahaha, that was awesome.
It wouldn’t have mattered if I hadn’t been feeling so unmoored this week.

[ Topic Neuroses, Pop Culture, Ridiculosity | No Comments ]