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Stoker vs. Stroker
“I don’t need to be sitting around all day thinking about Burt Reynolds.”
If my boss’ boss and the head of the department don’t stop calling Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Bram Stroker’s Dracula, I might scream. It makes me think of Stroker Ace and I don’t need to be sitting around all day thinking about Burt Reynolds. Normally, I would pipe up in my nerdy, anal-retentive way, but the head of the department has been super stressed recently and I also don’t need to sit around all day with my head chewed off.
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Crushing, Part Zwei
“See? I’ve got jokes. We could sit around being funny together. Then he could leave me for a 22 year-old model/actress named Stacey.”
Uh, so yeah. Bill Hader is married. And you know how I feel about poaching someone else’s man. Maybe I should shift my affections to fellow SNL-er, Will Forte, because he is funny, but far more importantly, his given name is Orville Willis Forte IV.
If we had a baby, it could be Orville Willis Forte V. Even if it’s a girl.
See? I’ve got jokes. We could sit around being funny together. Then he could leave me for a 22 year-old model/actress named Stacey.
[I have yet to meet anyone of worth named "Stacy" so "Stacey" is the ultimate insult. It's a total stripper name, along with Brandy/Brandi, Ashley, Ginger, Tracy, Jessica, Britney/Brittany, Jasmine, Amber, Courtney, Lola, Tia, Summer, Shannon, Alicia/Alisha, Sienna, Nicky
and Vicky.
Boy names I just plain don't like include: Bill, Bob, Herb, Carl, Rick (fat car salesmen), Chet, Chip, Chad, Brad (frat guys who start every sentence with "Bro"), Abraham/Abe, Alvin, Archie, Frank, Lou, Gabe, (lecherous grandfather), Tony, Bobby, Freddy, Willy, Mikey, Barney (plumbers), Cody, Troy, Carter, Clay, Garth (douche bags extraordinaire).]
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I’ve decided that I should just have unrequited and cliche crushes on unattainable celebrities like normal people do, I mean, in addition to Jim Jarmusch. My first one is currently Bill Hader:
[volume alert: it's quieter]
[volume alert: it's louder]
No, no, let me guess, People Who’ve Met Bill Hader, he’s an asshole, right? You hate his guts, right? He ripped your kitten’s paw off and ate it, right? Well, I don’t care. All the real guys I’ve had crushes on are the same if not worse. Plus they aren’t as cute as Bill. Or as funny. Or as Vincent Price-y.Please note, I do realize he’s married as well. Again, this does not seem to stop any of the other married/involved men who have approached me.
Sharebe better
I have just been catching up with my friend Laura’s life by reading her LiveJournal. It used to be that when she and I were (frequently) mutually unsociable, I would keep up with her doings and happenings online. It saved a lot of time when we finally did meet up for cupcakes and knitting. I’ve been remiss for the past year or so, really I had not read her LJ since before she moved to Chicago, before she married Josh (who seems amazingly good for and to her, and is nice to boot).
Laura was the one I spent my summers with barhopping on the Lower East Side when I was 25 or so. Then we barhopped year round when she moved here after graduating from Northwestern. Because I’ve lost all my pictures I have to ask her if she still has those Polaroid scans of The Glitter Van, which was this van covered entirely with gold sequins that we kept seeing parked on Avenue A. Laura is the one with supreme taste in fashion and music. The one who knew where the cool shit was happening and could get us in or knew someone who knew someone.
There was also a time when this guy with a huge white and orange boa chased us from Thompkins Square Park into a bodega and back out again. I am pretty sure that Laura was running first from the snake and then the guy, while I was running from a guy who would chase girls because I don’t mind snakes. I would gladly take the snake over the guy. The lesson we took from that adventure was never run into a bodega expecting people to help you because they could care less who or what is chasing you down an aisle. Even though snakes and other animals really shouldn’t be allowed in establishments where food is being prepared and sold.
Then we briefly lived together when I broke up with Aaron; I was subletting her room while she went on tour with some band friends. Wow, that was lifetimes ago. Zenas, Lief(?), Alec, John, (my current roommate) Erica. In my mind I think of that as The Supercore Years, when Supercore was still a cafe and not a restaurant. A few months later I met Shawn and we dated for the next two years. I moved in with the dying lady and her cat Natasha, then moved in with Shawn, then moved to where I live now…with Erica.
Laura is kind of my “mental health” friend, in that I never had to explain to her my bouts of depression or my unsociable phases. She completely understood it. Things like that are hard to understand if you have no personal sense of it. So when she said she plans to move back to New York City in a year or so, I felt so happy. I’ve never been to Chicago, and I’m sure it would be fun to visit (I plan to go to her wedding) but it feels a million miles away. I mean, I never even made it to Boston to see Anna and Ira, who are busy being parents and homeowners.
Now that I’m focused on creative projects and bettering my life, I have also resolved to be a better friend and to socialize more. I’ve already re-established my friendship with Richard, and plan to see much more of Lynne and maybe even throw some cocktail/dinner/Gatsby tea parties. So, it’s good to know I will have a chance to spend more time with Laura and Josh. It seems like great things are coming and I am excited to be able to share them with people I’ve known for years and years. I also need to reconnect with Todd and Genevie and their son Sebastian.
All of these thoughts came while reading Laura’s LJ entry about her and Josh getting the words “be better” tattooed on their wrists after a really amazing and sweet person Laura knew when she lived here died. He was one of those people who made the world a better place just by being his caring and involved self, and reading the entry gave me some perspective on the crazy and stupid minutiae with which I’ve entangled myself.
The person I have a crush on is taken and overly complicated. The person who has a crush on me will get over it. This is a time for revelations and enjoyment, not for drama and distractions. So, thank you Laura, for your thoughtful insights. Context is everything. Lastly, thank you for the genius phrase, “an Alzheimer’s medication made from daffodils”. This will be part of the first line of my first novel.
ShareNo One Names Their Kid “Whitey” Anymore.
I only note this because I am currently working on the credits for Leave It
To Beaver and one of the characters is named Whitey. He was played by
Stanley “Tiger” Fafara.
Now listening to:
Now reading:
//RECENT
Vincent Moon and Arcade Fire Walk Into An Elevator….“[T]he crowd seemed really emotionally engaged with the music.”
Water Water Everywhere…. “Water, water, everywhere,
And all the boards did shrink;
Water, water, everywhere,
Nor any drop to drink.”
- The Rime of the Ancient Mariner
Samuel Taylor Coleridge
An extended version of Bon Iver’s La Blogotheque Take Away Show of “For Emma, Forever Ago” with three versions of the song and some very startled tourists. I think this is one of my favorite things in the whole world. Not just that the song is so beautiful, and is so beautifully sung, but that [...]
So, This Stephen Malkmus-looking Guy Who Went to High School with My Boss Wrote a Children’s BookA man once said, “Childrens do learn.” and I believe childrens should learn to dream big dreams. Even better is to dream arty dreams like a hipster might draw. This hipster author’s name is Dallas Clayton. Although I do not know for sure that Dallas Clayton is a hipster, he looks like this: And, I [...]
Matilde UrrutiaIt isn’t simply that you are loved gloriously, or loved beautifully. But rather that a pitch perfect expression of love for you sounds and sounds, Rises into the very air. Though the love itself may fade, I do not know, The poetry you inspire ascends, ascending Becomes stars and you, who are so loved, Look [...]
//FROM THE ARCHIVES
A brief letter of confession from one who has three tenths suicided, to his loving cousin in Des Moines“And, love, we come in droves. I must confront that I, in common with everyone I can call without first dialing ‘one,’ moved to Los Angeles for greed.”
Things Left UnsaidNormally, I try very hard not to engage in idle speculation. I used to make assumptions about why someone was behaving a certain way, like if my friend seemed sullen, I believed he was mad at me, when in fact, his boss had been riding his ass all week. I’m sorting through a lot of [...]
Lost KittyAwww. It looks like the inset picture shows “Roscoe” and his bow-legs under a blankie! LOST CAT LARGE, LONG, BLACK CAT, SMALL TUFT OF WHITE FUR ON HIS CHEST MIGHT ANSWER TO ROD OR ROSCOE THIN TAIL, KIND OF BOW-LEGGED, SHINY COAT, FRIENDLY MALE, NEUTERED, 2 YEARS OLD LAST SEEN NEAR THE CORNER OF BEDFORD [...]
Concert Etiquette and Ass Inspectors“concert people snuggled warmly under my blanket of hatred include: people who mosh, loud talkers, loud singers, people who throw things and hurt people, men who rub their crotches against your back….”
Short Music Documentary
