//
Endorsement Time
Because we know you’ve been waiting…we know you’ve been dying to know, it’s time we announced the official painkiller.org presidential endorsement: That’s right, throw your hands in the air and wave them vigorously as if you pretty much don’t care and join us in helping to elect Barack Obama to the presidency.
Certainly anyone who reads our site with any regularity has probably figured out that we have a sickening liberal agenda here. But even still, what we probably don’t spend enough time repeating is just how generally disappointing we find the democratic party as a whole. The central failing of the democratic party is that, time and time again, they have proven themselves loathe to take firm positions on almost any issue, opting rather to define themselves by what they don’t stand for, ie. what the Republicans do stand for. It doesn’t take a logician to understand that a contrarian stance is not an actual political position, so no one should be surprised that Democrats have a wishy-washy reputation. Their platform is a shambles. It doesn’t move, it doesn’t inspire, it doesn’t capture the hearts and minds of a cynical and apathetic nation.
Barack Obama has an astoundingly fresh perspective. He seems to be genuinely moved by his point of view, and he has no qualms in conveying those views with the utmost clarity. He’s also not saddled by the baby-boomer hippy guilt that seems to drive so many of our modern democratic leaders. That guilt that made John Kerry introduce himself in 2004 with “I’m John Kerry and I’m reporting for duty!” It’s the guilt that made all of Hillary Clinton’s tough talk about Iraq even four years ago seem like she was already hedging to beat a superior Republican candidate. It’s tough talk jock talk from the mouths of intellectuals and it doesn’t ring true.
So it’s time to gear up. It’s time to engage. Start reading. Start listening to the candidates. Use the cerebrum a little bit. If nothing else, even if none of the candidates are quite your cup of tea, you have to admit that it would be pretty amazing to see a truly engaged electorate this year. That would make Democracy a little prettier if only for a day. And if you take our advice, imagine one more thing: Imagine how our Democracy will look to angry young Muslim men throughout the Middle East if they wake up one morning to see the face of Barack Hussein Obama as he is sworn into the highest office on the planet.
Share
My Oral Fixation
is the unsexiest in all the history of oral fixations.
I refer, of course, to my ongoing dental woes. And woes they are. Lamentable, tragic and never ending. This Winter, if you see one movie, make it this one: the epic story of one woman’s journey into night (though there will be a dearth of wailing and gnashings of teeth as my bones can’t handle the strain).
The periodontist told me that my gums are actually relatively healthy, but because I’m missing a crown that I can ill afford and an implant that I can also ill afford (and may not be able to acquire), my front teeth have been overly stressed and are…not wobbly, but not as…steadfast as a young person’s teeth ought to be. In addition, my Eastern European dentist has been alarmed by the innate shortness of my roots for quite some time.
Apparently, due to a perfect storm of circumstances, genes and neglect, I have suffered quite a lot of bone loss around the roots of my teeth and I need some kind of buttressing type surgery, the name of which I cannot recall and I seem to have misplaced the business card where I had him write down the name of it so I could Google it once I got home.
There is a weakened area near where they removed the titanium screws last year (which is why I might not be able to get the implant, even if I had two grand lying around waiting to be handed to an eager periodontist. Which I don’t. Did I mention that?).
Perhaps I should put my various ailments on eBay and philanthropists can choose to fund whichever dental procedure tickles their fancy. I imagine the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation would spring for the unnamed oral surgery because titanium screws in your skull seem pretty futuristic and techie. Each month they would receive x-rays of my mouth, the way those Christian Children’s Fund people on TV send you a picture of little !kung-a, eating the Pop Tarts your monthly support provided for him and his entire village. Plus, he had enough money left over to purchase his very own shoe.
Bill and Melinda, you have the power to make her life better. If you cannot find it within your hearts to help a poor Credits Typist in New York City get the oral surgery she so desperately needs, she may no longer have enough teeth to eat her Pop Tarts and will be forced to subsist on cocktails (to numb the pain) and that all-liquid Hollywood Diet that celebs use prior to photo ops but once they begin to eat solids, they gain all the weight back. Liquid diets wreak havoc on a person’s metabolism. They are unhealthy and ineffective. Just look at Oprah!
For only $100 a day for one month, you could make all the difference in a Cari’s precious life. Please, call the toll-free number on the bottom of your screen today. Operators are standing by. The first ten callers will also receive this stylish tote bag as our gift to you!
You can also visit us on the World Wide Web at www.carineedssomekindoforalsurgerybutcannotrememberthenameof
itrightnowthoughitisacompletelylegitimateprocedureandthisisacompletelylegitimatecharity.com.
Won’t you help keep her future smiles bright?
ShareAn Assortment of Things
Someone, please give John Waters a Lifetime Achievement Award for Best Mustache Ever.
Also, I just found out that VH1 is doing this Rock Autism thing. Look, that’s a fantastic cause and I’m all for it, but people, not everything is rockable. Stop demeaning whatever issue you’re attempting to address.
ShareAnother Concept Over Which to Mull
What would happen if you could, I don’t know, freeze time or jump into an alternate dimension or something so you could kiss or fool around with anyone with no consequences?
I would also like to use something of this nature for sleeping so I don’t miss out on anything but still get a full 8 hours.
[I think I should run for president with a platform based on these brave new ideas.]
ShareAwesome New Internet Searches That Ought to be Invented Posthaste
1) This isn’t a search so much as a shorthand convenience. Let’s say you have a crush on someone whom you can’t date for one reason or another. You should be able to go on Craigslist and post something in the personals ads like, “I am looking for someone just like _______________ (enter crush’s name here)” and through the magic of the Internet, someone just like him will respond. This might involve some kind of brain scanner….
2) If you have a song running through your head and you don’t remember any lyrics, you should be able to hum what you know into a Google Microphone and it will find possible song contenders based on your humming. It should allow for tone deafness and off-key warblers, sort of like a golf handicap.
3) If you are thinking about making a movie and you are concerned that you are copying someone else’s style/camera angle there should be a way to search a cinema database for previous work. For example, I am thinking about this certain effect with the camera but it would suck if it’s been done before. I won’t describe it in greater detail here because I know too many filmmakers and they are just waiting to pilfer from me.
4) You should be able to Google tastes and smells. I cannot even begin to imagine how this would be possible.
Share
Now listening to:
Now reading:
//RECENT
Water Water Everywhere…. “Water, water, everywhere,
And all the boards did shrink;
Water, water, everywhere,
Nor any drop to drink.”
- The Rime of the Ancient Mariner
Samuel Taylor Coleridge
An extended version of Bon Iver’s La Blogotheque Take Away Show of “For Emma, Forever Ago” with three versions of the song and some very startled tourists. I think this is one of my favorite things in the whole world. Not just that the song is so beautiful, and is so beautifully sung, but that [...]
So, This Stephen Malkmus-looking Guy Who Went to High School with My Boss Wrote a Children’s BookA man once said, “Childrens do learn.” and I believe childrens should learn to dream big dreams. Even better is to dream arty dreams like a hipster might draw. This hipster author’s name is Dallas Clayton. Although I do not know for sure that Dallas Clayton is a hipster, he looks like this: And, I [...]
Matilde UrrutiaIt isn’t simply that you are loved gloriously, or loved beautifully. But rather that a pitch perfect expression of love for you sounds and sounds, Rises into the very air. Though the love itself may fade, I do not know, The poetry you inspire ascends, ascending Becomes stars and you, who are so loved, Look [...]
I Left My Heart in Bon Iver“However, this was one of those shows that blows you quite away and I felt privileged to have gotten to witness it.”
//FROM THE ARCHIVES
Cover of “Islands in the Stream” by Constantines Featuring FeistYou think it’s going to just be this big irony fest, but it’s actually quite pretty.
Awesome New Internet Searches That Ought to be Invented Posthaste1) This isn’t a search so much as a shorthand convenience. Let’s say you have a crush on someone whom you can’t date for one reason or another. You should be able to go on Craigslist and post something in the personals ads like, “I am looking for someone just like _______________ (enter crush’s name [...]
Now THAT Explains the Burning Bush!Thanks to the “diligent” work of “scientists” intent on ruining all of our best yarns, now it turns out that, in fact, it’s most probable that Moses was high on powerful psychotropic drugs when he scaled Mount Sinai and “heard God” deliver the Ten Commandments. According to these “scientists”, this use of mind-altering substances was [...]
A Proposal for Men Who Date Younger and or Crazier Women“Men start running around with their hands in the air, like “Oooohhhhh…”
Also, Jonathan Coulton Was Very FunnyJonathan Coulton, a singer/songwriter with funny songs, “opened’ because The Hodg was late due to the taping and he also performed during the reading.
