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Busboys of the Future

I was having brunch at a well trafficked and long lived Los Angeles café the other day, and I noticed a new busboy, literally. A boy, who looked to be about twelve years old, bussing tables, taking refill orders and delivering the odd bowl of granola. And he was quite obviously overjoyed to be doing so. He seemed bright, enthusiastic, polite, quick on his feet, and in all other ways, a perfect busboy. He didn’t occupy too much space, he drifted nimbly between packed tables and the other wait staff with carefully balanced cappuccinos in hand. He was the consummate “Garçon”.

I assume, though I felt it would have been rude to ask, that he was related to one of the owners or managers of the establishment. He didn’t look like he was doing it to pay the rent, or buy his own shoes… more that he was there for the fun of it… the pride of it. But it got me thinking.

Could child labor be the answer to our nation’s problems? Okay, I know what you’re thinking, and yes, there are all kinds of very sensible laws about such things, and most children are frankly hopeless lost causes when it comes to responsibility and civility. But hear me out.

There are a lot of jobs that simply pay too little for a full-grown rent-to-pay mouths-to-feed adult to make a living wage at, right? Busboy is just one, stocking shelves, grocery checkout, envelope stuffing, gift wrapping, use your imagination. Jobs where being four feet tall, and weighing only seventy pounds aren’t serious obstacles. Can’t get through the American college grad’s sense of entitlement and get them to do the job for minimum wage huh? Well I got ya’ work force for right here buddy!

And there are lots of things that kids are better at than grown-ups too, I would sooner trust the opinion of a teenager when buying a new cell phone, or figuring out which x-box game to drop $59.95 on than a career “sales associate” who’s just thinking about which one has the highest commission and will win him the salesman of the week plaque.

Economically it works great too, especially if we’re talking middle class kids here, which I am (because that’s the example from which I’m working, remember that busboy was probably heir the the café family fortune). A kid making minimum wage or less could go home at the end of a five hour shift with like… bank! Dude! You do that every weekend and you’re talking X-Box 360 by Christmas! Or… y’know, shoes, or a haircut, or lunch money, or whatever. To all but the most jaded kids money earned is free money, plain and simple.

Cheaper than that even, no benefits. Health insurance? Don’t need it. Most kids are covered by their family plan already, right? And with your kids out there earning their own pocket money, there’s more dough in mom and dad’s pockets, and less spent on toys, and sweets. So if they didn’t have it before, maybe they can afford it now. Retirement plan? 401k matching? Profit sharing? Nope. Daycare? Quite the opposite, this could be like built-in after school baby sitting for a lot of families. Keep ‘em off the streets.

Short hours? Not a problem, more people working shorter hours is how a lot of economies manage to keep afloat anyway. Distribution of wealth, lower unemployment, more attentive and enthusiastic employees – who wants to work ten hour shifts straight? Nobody, that’s who. People get bored, restless, lazy, disgruntled. Better to send them home and get a fresh batch in for those all important “after school hours.”

Experience! Don’t forget how this kind of “real world” exposure would shape our next generation’s young minds as they grow up and prepare to be thrust into the world. Communicating with people, learning that politeness is rewarded, learning the value of money, and the work that goes in to making it. Learning the ropes, navigating the world, great character building stuff. Imagine a generation of high-school grads with resumes! Real employable skills, and… life experience.

Obviously this wouldn’t be for everyone. There are, as I said, plenty of hopelessly rude and stupid children who would likely just break things or not show up for work. This busboy could easily have been terrible, as so many adults are. Sloppy, lazy, rude, unfocused. But this kid was happy to be there. He was good at, and proud of the job he was doing. He was curious, attentive, and while holding his own with co-workers twice his height, he was ready with a smile. You should have seen the looks on the faces of the people this kid was waiting on, brightened their days I tell you. The novelty was part of it for sure, but who doesn’t like kids? At least, the polite ones, the intelligent ones, y’know, the ones that can hold down a steady job.

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Who Needs Politics

Enough said:

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Yes Sir. No Sir. Fuck You Sir.

Trying to escape the Hollywood and Highland mall is an astounding pain in the ass. The first two elevators heading down into the bowels of the parking garage were packed full, the second, quite surprisingly, with two large racks of clothing and a couple of blandly apologetic attendants to said clothing. When the third arrived, even though it was mostly full, my friend and I made some room for ourselves. The doors hadn’t shut before our fellow elevator-mates were cracking wise about sardine packed elevators. My friend, in his crisp British accent, said “You should have seen the last one.” And then, an amazing thing happened: Not one, not two, but at least three people instantly mocked him and gleefully aped the way he said “last”.

Really? Had that really just happened? No. No way. Yes! It totally did! An elevator full of middle class, mall-going, adult-human-beings had just totally made fun of my friends’ accent! Have the British pissed us off lately? I thought it was the French, and even then, I thought their new president was making inroads. Seriously. Really?

In any case, I started thinking on the way home….I never really grew up in a time when people said “Ma’am” and “Yes Sir” (to quote a song by Spoon of which I’m rather fond). And yet, I wonder if maybe the folks who are nostalgic for such a time are onto something. Have we really become such an ardently belligerent and crass society? Based on the number of women who marvel when I hold a door open for them, I wonder if maybe we have. And maybe that’s why I was so shocked the week after 9/11 when people all seemed so polite in traffic. Did I just not know what I was missing? And does it take a national tragedy to make people behave with some decorum in public? I have no idea, but I’d say we could probably take a couple steps towards civility without becoming parodies of Leave it to Beaver.

I have no idea as to how we would formulate a solution to the problem. Raising the national IQ level might help. Can we teach it in schools? Maybe we get a mascot? Free drugs for anyone who says nice things to strangers! Obviously another terrorist attack would do the trick, but really, terrorist attacks are almost totally not good, and the meager upside only seems to last for a week anyway. There’s gotta be a fun solution here, it’s just not bubbling to the surface right now.

PS. Has anyone seen door-to-door Christmas caroling anywhere but television commercials lately? Where the fuck is our saccharine spirit!?

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The Four Horsemen

Over at richarddawkins.net you can find an engrossing two hour conversation between the great minds of the secular movement: Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, Daniel Dennett, and Christopher Hitchens. What is particularly fascinating is how little they preach to the choir, instead spending their time dissecting many of the reactions they have encountered while speaking throughout the world. It is incredibly heartening to know that these four men are leading the charge to crack open our dialogue about religion. It is our hope that this dialogue will eventually find a way to stem the tide of pernicious violence and hatred that are part and parcel of religious dogma throughout the world.

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You Have the Loveliest Crack Home!

Rolling Stone recently published a pretty epic article about America’s failed drug war which should be required reading for any elected official who is ever required to approve additional funding for this “war”. Today, we hear word that the Supreme Court has ruled to allow judges much broader leeway in sentencing people for offenses related to crack cocaine. This seems like a shocking admission from the power-elite that there’s something wrong with the grossly disparate sentencing practices which cut blatantly across racial lines. How very refreshing!

So this is a great start, but when the only way to truly solve the problem is to completely dismantle the entire drug war apparatus, it’s really just a tentative first step. Let’s keep up the good work!

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