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Surprise! This Line Goes Somewhere
“When the total is given, please do not have the audacity to look surprised that you must pay now.”
People of the World,
If you are standing in line for a register at a clothing store, a book store or a coffee shop, at some point you are going to have to “pay”. Please to be clarifying? You must trade your money for the product or service offered by the establishment in which you are standing. If you do not give money, you will be stealing/shoplifting and could face prosecution.
Although registers are sometimes called “cash registers”, your payment does not have to be cash; most places accept debit or credit cards and personal checks.
The time for burrowing into your bottomless bag for your wallet is NOT when you reach the cashier. You should be aware of where your wallet is and whether or not it has money/cards in it. These are all things to ascertain before you even get in line. Do not wait until you reach the register and the cashier has given you the total, to come to your senses and fumble for your money. WHEN THE TOTAL IS GIVEN, PLEASE DO NOT HAVE THE AUDACITY TO LOOK SURPRISED THAT YOU MUST PAY NOW. The cashier and the other people in line will rightly hate you. Understand? They are right to hate you. I hate you and I’m not even there.
I know that sometimes you are chatting with a friend, or there is some kind of diversion, but that is no excuse. If you are in line, you are there to fork over the payment or risk being tackled by a rent-a-cop. Never, ever forget that! It is unacceptable to not be prepared for these very simple transactions.
It is 99.9% certain that a register line will lead to a register. If you can not get this straight, it is 100% certain that you’re a fucking moron and should stay home.
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Concert Etiquette and Ass Inspectors
“concert people snuggled warmly under my blanket of hatred include: people who mosh, loud talkers, loud singers, people who throw things and hurt people, men who rub their crotches against your back….”
excerpt from an email i sent my friend, from whom i’m purchasing clothing on ebay:
“i am beginning to hate everyone under the age of 21, especially at stupid all ages shows at irving. thank god the most recent shows have been at bowery. i had no idea how much i loved the place until the faint, the rapture, etc. played irving.
concert people snuggled warmly under my blanket of hatred include: people who mosh, loud talkers, loud singers, people who throw things and hurt people, men who rub their crotches against your back, drunk women who jump up and down excitedly against their boyfriend’s crotch in time to the music, and the boyfriends who look embarrassed when she falls all over the place, but pretend they don’t mind because dignity and self-respect don’t hold a candle to hot, drunken, date-rapish action.
it’s enough to make me lose faith in humanity.
that and all of the “ass inspectors” lining the streets and subways (including the cops), who work tirelessly to ensure that no woman’s ass goes uninspected. when i’m out with shawn, i like to assign numbers, “hey, check out ass inspector #45!”
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//RECENT
Vincent Moon and Arcade Fire Walk Into An Elevator….“[T]he crowd seemed really emotionally engaged with the music.”
Water Water Everywhere…. “Water, water, everywhere,
And all the boards did shrink;
Water, water, everywhere,
Nor any drop to drink.”
- The Rime of the Ancient Mariner
Samuel Taylor Coleridge
An extended version of Bon Iver’s La Blogotheque Take Away Show of “For Emma, Forever Ago” with three versions of the song and some very startled tourists. I think this is one of my favorite things in the whole world. Not just that the song is so beautiful, and is so beautifully sung, but that [...]
So, This Stephen Malkmus-looking Guy Who Went to High School with My Boss Wrote a Children’s BookA man once said, “Childrens do learn.” and I believe childrens should learn to dream big dreams. Even better is to dream arty dreams like a hipster might draw. This hipster author’s name is Dallas Clayton. Although I do not know for sure that Dallas Clayton is a hipster, he looks like this: And, I [...]
Matilde UrrutiaIt isn’t simply that you are loved gloriously, or loved beautifully. But rather that a pitch perfect expression of love for you sounds and sounds, Rises into the very air. Though the love itself may fade, I do not know, The poetry you inspire ascends, ascending Becomes stars and you, who are so loved, Look [...]
//FROM THE ARCHIVES
Bye, Bye Jerry FalwellSure, we’re a week late to the punch on the demise of Jerry Falwell, but it still bares some mention, since there are few modern examples of a “holy man” preaching this much intolerance and hate. This column at the SFGate sums it up as well as any, as did this one at Slate, but [...]
MENSA Thinks I’m Stupid“…I don’t need MENSA to know that I’m smart.”
To The Wednesday Night Bartender at Barcade“That’s the taste I wanted! In my mouth!”
The Lovely BonesYou will not find this kind of hardware at Home Depot, though it does require a screwdriver.
BarackUnderstand that I loved Bill Clinton. He had a lot of serious flaws, though I could give two shits about his sex life, but he was extremely intelligent and had a solid grasp of domestic and foreign policies and issues, unlike the fucking pig-headed imbecile in office now. Hillary has become embittered by the decades-long attacks [...]
